i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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