btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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