How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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