i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Randomize
