If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
