I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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