We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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