if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
