I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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