I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
