Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
being pregnant is like rehab
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
