You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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