So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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