Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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