Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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