1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
