Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
