Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
