the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
