I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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