I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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