i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
