just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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