Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
