tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
