this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
