I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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