You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
