Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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