I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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