I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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