Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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