Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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