he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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