My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
