I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
