paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So much Jack, so little girl.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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