In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how can u be prego again
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
