Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
