In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize