I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
