Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
