I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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