Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
