Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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