i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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