Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
