On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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