ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
