I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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