You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
