Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
