Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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