apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
