I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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