apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
