man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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