then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
